Sunday, December 19, 2010

Weirdnesss

My family has been acting weird lately, and at my boyfriends place the phone line is messed and they just got a new room mate who was messin around outside...just saying thats how all the horror movies start....

Sunday, December 12, 2010

So okay.

Nothing really new to report. Life is going okay I guess, I know that is bad grammar. Life is really not been that great I guess. Ashton still hasn't gotten a car and I think that is taking its tole on me. I have been staying with him for almost 3 weeks now. He's made room for me in the closet and in the drawers I have been feeling like I need space, I mean he still hasn't told me he loves me so why is it like I live there now. I can't move in with a guy that doesn't love me.
Ugh, life.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

DAy after surgery

Things are okay I hurt but over all it hurts. I have stitches. It sucks.
I'm going to sleep now.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Its December

In Florida still hot as hell. Nothing really to talk about I haven't been really focused this past week considering my boyfriends car got stolen and Ive had to drive him everywhere. I do love him. But I have a confession. I cheated on him...again.
He won't find out, well I pray that he doesn't find out.
I'm kind of in a spot right now I need help and support or I'm going to break.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I have decided

To get a gym membership at this place called you fit starting when I get paid next. My work out routine won't be in full swing until I heal after my operation but I'm still going to try to work out as much as possible during recovery so that after it won't be a huge hit. I have started drinking just diet soda and water which I think overall is pretty good. My eating habits have not been the best considering thanksgiving was this week. But I plan to get back into full swing soon. My boyfriends car was stolen on black Friday so I have been staying with him these past nights and probably most of next week until he can figure out what he's going to do for transportation. I don't entirely know how my mom feels about me staying there so much but due to the circumstances it won't be for that long I hope. He is putting gas in my car which is good considering I went through a tank in about 3 days and that tank would usually last me about a week and a half, so that in itself says a lot. I have to really be careful about how much I eat or rather don't eat around him. He asks a lot of questions. Purging is kind of out of the question right now considering his bathroom is right next to his bedroom and there are pretty thin walls. He doesn't even know I still smoke so I need a cig bad right now. I can't wait for tomorrow because I have school and he works from 8-8 so I can get back to my original routine at least for the rest of the day. Friday is my surgery. I'm not scared or anything but I don't know what we are going to do about my boyfriends car situation. I think my mom would flip shit if I lent it to him.
I guess this is something that we have to figure out.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I realize now

That I'm not as strong as I thought

Monday, November 15, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Another weekend day at work...

It is Sunday and another 10-7 shift at the front desk here at work. And as usual I am watching Desperate Housewives. I jumped on that band wagon a little late so I started with season one and I am currently on season two.
Last night I had quite a shocker when my boyfriend told me that if his family doesn't approve of my race (hes white and I'm black) that he would dump me. I know it was a complete shocker to me considering that we have been dating for 7 months minus the 3 week break in September/October. This morning when I came into work I sent him a text and asked so that I could be certian of what his plans were if in deed his family didn't approve. My assumtion is that he grew a back bone because he told me that he would not break up with me. Thank God.
I have been writing a lot lately I guess its because really right now this is my only outlet. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about whats going on in my head and my heart. And right now I need someone I can talk to. Even if no one is listening.
These last couple days have been pretty heavy in terms on my self image. I don't feel beautiful at all, and yet my motivation to get up and do something about it is nonexistant. I hear the voice inside my head that says don't eat that it will make you fat and yet i do it anyways. I eat and eat and eat til I feel so disgusted with myself that me and the toilet become great friends. I sit in bed and think I should be running, lifting weights, doing cruntches or something to be thinner and I'm not I'm just not. I sit and do nothing. And doing nothing isn't something I can do. I'm failing in school I haven't gone to my ENC110 (Written Comp.) class in about 2 weeks. God knows how many papers I've missed I know of at least four already.
I'm failing at everything right now. And feeling this way sucks so bad.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
Will someone please help me?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Today is not a good day

I'm binge eating like crazy and I can't stop and then I can't figure out why. I am so pissed at myself, burgers, rice krispy treats, and a bunch of pop and not to mention the fucking steak egg and cheese bagel in the morning I really want to puke and this is disgusting. I am disgusting :(

Friday, November 12, 2010

Its funny, I just realized that today is Friday

I'm sitting at work and lets just say sitting here with two cans of regular pop was not the plan. Across from me on the pin up board on my desk is the schedule and what I forgot is that I am off tomorrow, which means its the perfect day for a work out binge.
I'm not entirely sure how long I'm going to work out but any working out is a lot more then I do now. My friend Daniel told me that he's going to teach me how to swim tomorrow as well. That should be embarrassing enough, plus me in a swim suit, ha.
I've been thinking more and more lately about what many different thinks. What's on my mind right now is that I need to purge, badly. But being at work and that fact that I work in a nursing home doesn't make it as easy. I guess I'll have to wait til I get home and that's in a little while plus a good round of laxatives should do the trick. I'm going out with Daniel tonight, that should be fun. Yes I know I have a boyfriend but he has a girlfriend as well. We are just friends though sometimes the sexual tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I'm planning on wearing makeup tonight and that's something I haven't done in a long time so lets see how that goes. He's picking me up at 9 tonight and I believe he said something about seeing a movie. Shit I just realized again that its Friday, everyone I know will see me downtown with him. This could end very badly.
I hate gossip but it seems that I am a part of it no matter how hard I try, I assume its just a part of my life.
Work is rather dull tonight. I brought a magazine and homework. The magazine makes me feel fat and the homework makes me feel stupid. I can't win tonight can I?

ugh

Drinking my calories
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Thinpo time...I need the inspiration

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I haven't told you guys this but.

I have endometriosis, and i have to take the depo shot as a method of controlling it what sucks is its making me gain weight and if i don't take it I am in extreme pain.

I went to the doctor on Friday and he wants me to have surgery and fix this problem and make me feel better. I dont know what I should do. Ive never had an operation before so to be honest I'm kind of scared, I talked to my mom and boyfriend about it and they are telling me to go for it, but I just dont know.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Maybe there's

a shark in the water.

I'm so loopy right now, I ate too much I need to purge.



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Some Shit

I just received a message from an ex boyfriend via facebook. I honestly thought he was dead I missed him so I loved him too which is strange all in itself. Maybe something good can come of this. Maybe he just needed to get clean before we could really be together (yes he did some pretty hardcore drugs). This could be what I have been waiting for.

But on another note I went to the hospital on friday, ENDOMETRIOSIS strikes again. Intense pain and now stronger pain meds. I know I haven't told you but I thought I was pregnant (just so you know, I'm not.) and things are back on track I am doing the paper route with my parents its a way to lose weight lots and lots and lots of stairs which is cool and I already dropped a pound whoop.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I just figured out,

That starting a weight loss adventure the day after Halloween was a bad idea. So may temptations its ridiculous. But I am pushing myself. I have to be perfect. I have to lose weight. Today a co-worker asked me if I wanted a bag of chips I told her I was dieting she said the first three letters in diet is DIE, but hey perfection has its price.

My life which I thought was under control is really spiraling. I am still alone which when going into being single again I thought would be amazing but I realized I hate being alone, and doesn't everybody. What my main problem is is that I am currently sleeping with my ex, but he's made it pretty clear that he wants to keep it this way and though I want more I am. So write now I guess you could say that I am wanting a serious relationship with my ex. But to be honest I assume I want one with someone else as well. And I know that's wrong but that's my choice right?
This is my life and I'm in control of it.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Today Seems to Just be Dragging along...

I'm sitting at work listening to Pandora radio, right now Sum 41 is playing...
"I don't want to waste my time being another tragedy in society."

I think I'm going to get back into the habit of blogging because it seems to be my only outlet at the moment. I'm following two blogs, well they are currently starting back up, seems like everyone is having a dry spell in terms of posts, not just me.
Just in case you are interested they are
Wish You Were Her(e): http://wywher.blogspot.com/
and
Yummy Secrets: http://yummy-secrets.blogspot.com/
What has been getting to me I guess is that no one really reads mine, I guess that's not entirely a bad thing cause I started writing hoping no one would be but Ive noticed that by following those blogs that they get a lot out of people reading them and I don't know its a form of therapy and followers sympathize with you cause they could possibly be going through the same crap that you are.
Well this past week has been interesting to say the least. In terms of school I have a hold on my record which is not allowing me to register for my classes for the Spring semester, that in itself sucks majorly. I have made friends at school 90% of which are guys and one I have taken a liking to, ( No I am not over my ex, not completely that is).
In terms of work things have been pretty lack luster to say the least. My cousin has gotten a job here, he works in the kitchen, and right now he has not shown up for work and they are extremely short handed to the point that people are calling, and coming up here complaining, asking me to call his house or have my mother go over there and have him come into work. I think, rather i know he won't be employed her for long.
When it comes to my home life things seem to be moving forward some my mom is still working a lot picking up extra shifts anywhere she can, she said its for Holiday money but I have a strong feeling that its because we are far behind in the bills and we are about to lose everything. The bright side of things is that my step dad is finally after two years doing something to carry his weight. My mom and him are doing a paper route and yea I know I said my mom and him but that's because its a lot of work for one person to do, and my lil brother is even helping them out when he is not in school they leave the house around 1am and get home about 6am. I would help but I work at 10am on weekends and on weekdays I have classes that start at 8am and my school is about an half an hour away.
My love life, it has been having more downs then ups, my ex and I did not get back together, nor do i think we ever will until he can learn to let go off all his baggage, but who am I to say that I think I have more issues then the average person times like a billion. But I have met someone else one who I believe has interest in me, I barely know him and we've hung out once but we text and talk on the phone all the time and he also just had a pretty bad break up so I guess what's going through my head is that I wonder if he is really interested in me or if I'm just a rebound, and I could completely understand that if that was the case.The other person I'm interested is is one of my friends that I have made at school, but I have no idea how he feels about me. That is a question that I hope to have answered tomorrow night I'm going to his Halloween party and my costume is cute and sexy all rolled into one so we shall see where that leads.
I seem to have forgotten to say how I've been feeling lately. YAY for no suicidal thoughts, and no cutting that in itself is amazing. Though I did cry myself to sleep one night this week. I don't really know why or what triggered it. I mean have you ever just started crying for no apparent reason, that seems to be happening to me a lot lately. I didn't think it was a bad thing because i believe everyone needs a good cry every now and again just to flush out all the sadness. Then after I really thought about it I guess I have been depressed lately. Maybe things haven't been going as well as I thought they had been. But Maybe this is something that I really need to think about some more and figure out. I know my brain works in strange ways and my logic is usually off like 99.45% of the time so I guess if I think about what is really going on in there this weekend and get back to you guys next week. Cause next week is a new month and a new month means new goals and I still haven't figured those out yet either so until then...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Little Whore

Was a good day i think. I think im better, at least alot better then i was. Not saying im cured or anything but today i wasnt depressed, well that depressed i had a moment, but dont we all i mean thats what make us human right? our moments. So today things were okay lets just leave it at that. Spring semester is coming up i wonder what classes i should take. Better yet spring is coming up i wonder who i should take home ;) yea i know im a little whore, but who can blame me?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

you're still the one

I love and i swear i will get you back
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Wow

i think i have found someone finally that gets me and is just like me hes perfect smart funny everything . im just like wow
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Monday, September 20, 2010

i hate

feeling so alone, so helpless like im not in control of my own life. Its like everything is in someone else's hand and pushing and pulling me to places im not sure i want to be. im ready to just give up lay it all out and not bother with any of it anymore. i cant hold onto love and the bullshit people say about bigger and better things out there is a load of crap cause i dont see anything better then the shit i got here and im not sure if any of it is even worth it. im not anything to anyone so why should i be anything to me?
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Sunday, September 12, 2010

you

made me start to believe for the first time
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I am

in love and he doesn't know it
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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Have i given you anyreason not to trust me?

No and yet I get this bullshit?
what the fuck
someone says that i wrote them and then there is no proof that makes no sense

Friday, September 3, 2010

Let me begin by saying school is awesome

at least for now everything seems to be going my way.
again let me repeat at least for now.


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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Interesting things have happend

This morning I receive a text and it was something that I thought I would get at least not from A. Well what I got was this message "Idk I mean I just feel like I'm not giving you the best I could and your doing above and beyond".
And when I read that I was like whoa, please God please don't let him be breaking up with me. I know that it may sound strange it coming out of the blue like that but it really isn't. Last night A and I went to go see a movie and when he drove me home we talked in his car for a while maybe a half an hour or so. But I was rambling off as usual and I asked him the top 10 things he liked about me and it took him nearly 20minutes to come up with ten different things and I was just thinking to myself are you kidding me?
Anyways back to the texting convo, I told him that he does everything for me hes literally the best boyfriend I have ever had. Like for real he takes me out, he bought me flowers, and i stay over and he cooks for me not frozen pizza cooks i mean like cooks cooks. So I asked him if things were okay as well because as one can assume my heart was pounding and I couldn't help but think that he was going to break up with me. He responded in saying "yea everything is fine just the 10things you wanted and I stumbled my way through I should be able and easy to do"
I never really figured out why he even bothered to tell me all of this maybe to get it off his chest or maybe he just wanted me to know he was sorry without actually having to say he was sorry because saying sorry in this incident would be rather weird.
So I don't know if all in all this ended up being a good thing or what all I know is that I'm happy we didn't break up and I'm happy that I know he's happy (and I know that because he told me :))

Still that Mockingbird won't Sing....

Still lost like always. I've cried so much about him and he doesn't even know. And the funny part is that I keep hearing this song and its basically what I think is happening but I don't want it to happen you know...



Mockingbird by Rob Thomas.

Here we stand
Somewhere in between this moment and the end
Will we bend?
Or will we open up and take this whole thing in?
Everybody else is smiling and their smiles don’t fade
And you don’t even wonder why you just don’t think that way
Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
Well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we ain’t meant for this love
You and me tried everything
But still that mocking bird wont sing
Well man this life seems hard enough
Well maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Take my hand
And I will lead you through the broken promise land
Yes I can, ah yes I can
I can be there when you need it, I'll give it all till you can't feel it anymore
I don't wanna love you now, if you'll just leave someday
I don't wanna turn around, if you'll just walk away
Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
Well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we ain’t meant for this love
You and me tried everything
But still that mocking bird wont sing
Well man this life seems hard enough
Well maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere, we can't move on we can't stay here
Well maybe we've just had enough, well maybe we ain’t meant for this love
You and me tried everything
But still that mocking bird wont sing
Well man this life seems hard enough
Well maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Maybe we ain’t meant for this love
Maybe we ain’t meant for this love

Saturday, August 7, 2010

He says....

"I like everything about you"
well thats all fine and dandy
but you don't love one thing about me so why does it matter?

So.

Updates updates.
A still doesn't love me and I'm talking to K again. In case your wondering K was a guy I dated a while back solely online/phone/email/facebook, never met in person that could be because he lives in NY. Well anyways. Hes in love with me, still and I made plans to go up and visit with him either during Christmas Break or next year during Spring Break. One of the two. The reason I'm going later rather then sooner is because if things do perk up with A I can stop talking to K even though I do have feelings for him I don't love him, not like I love Ashton. So overall I'm just working on having a plan b, because everyone needs one of those am I right?
I started a new job, which I am at right now. I'm a receptionist at a nursing home. Old mall job at Forever21 wasn't paying me enough and I was working enough if that makes any sense here I work almost 40 hours a week and get paid $8 an hour. Which is a whole $.75 more then F21 and I hear from my friend that works there no one liked me anyways at least here my mom works and I know a lot of people that work here and I'm always always home before 9, which in itself is amazing.
Besides that...nothing too new is going on I start college on the 23rd which is just around the corner. Mom and her asshole of a husband broke up or at least spit up. What happened was my brother and I got into an argument with him and it exulted extremely. All in all he ended up with a black eye and backing his bags. Mom seems to blame us and I told her yesterday that if she wants him back to call and have him come back but she should know that my brother and I would never forgive her for that and if he moves in I know that I wouldn't be speaking to him. He is dead to me.
I'm excited about school starting I am so ready to meet new people and get things going with my life I really want to move out so I'm sure in two years I will be transferring and out on my own thriving, away, far away from my mother and her drama.
I really just wish that my relationship with A could be like this book I just finished reading call Sundays at Tiffany's, this one quote stands out to me."Is it so difficult to imagine or believe that a man and a woman could find happiness together for a little whole, which, after all, is all that we have?"
I want something like that.
And I know someday maybe I will...

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinking...

Maybe six feet ain't so far down

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I

Just want to cry

As She Helps The OpeNess

Is it possible for a heart to be broken when it belongs to someone else?
I'm giving you everything I have, and again its not enough
Am I forgotten or am I just some pawn?
Am I what's now and not what is?
And if so am I dreaming and this is all for not?
So watch me fall apart before your eyes
While I live your dream not mine

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

So Not Cool

Lindsey Lohan sentenced to 90 days only has to serve 2 weeks because of over crowding, now if i was sentenced the same day she was I would so complain on the fact that she gets out early just because shes rich and really not that famous I mean come on she hasn't done anything but party these last few years ranking up DUIs and violating probation.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Curious?

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Move In

Move in with me he says.
I love you, he does not say.
Make sense, no.
Confused, much.

Friday, July 9, 2010

My Mom

Is crazy.
End of Story

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

With or Without

I have come to a striking conclusion that I would like to tell you. I want a future that is my own and its what I want you beside me. I thought that you should know I want you standing at the finish line waiting for me. I want to see you happy and help you achieve your dreams and goals in life but I also want you there for me. I don't know where you stand on that but I hope that you are standing with me. The thing is that I am not going to wait and see if I matter that much to. I am to important to myself to lose everything that I have worked for for someone that won't be there to help me achieve.
I love you. But if it comes to it I will follow my own path and we will go our separate ways.

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But thank God that we aren't there yet. But that time will come and we both will have to make our decisions.

I love him

And I believe he loves me too I love you so much. You are amazing and I am happy that I have you you are everything i could ask for.

Monday, July 5, 2010

We had a slight argument

Well seems like every time we do it has to do with him saying before "i can't see a future with you" anyways it was interesting it all started because i was talking to one of my exes who i still wanted to be friends with but he loves me and wanted more so this is how it went:

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[22:00] Me: yea but to be honest i dont not want him in my life
[22:00] Him: well than push him out
[22:00] Me: i want him in my life cuz idk he cares about me
[22:00] Him: ......you said you dont want him in your life
[22:01] Me: i said i dont not want him in my life
[22:01] Him: oh okay right
[22:01] Me: he loves me its weird
[22:02] Him: yeah
[22:02] Me: but its nice to be loved
[22:03] Him: yeah
[22:03] Me: yea...
[22:04] Him: well keep him in your life just tell him theres no future
[22:04] Me: and there is one with you?
[22:04] Him: dont turn this to me and you its about you and him me and you are different thing
[22:05] Me: how so?
[22:05] Him: we just started dating...like 2 months ago!
[22:05] Me: forget it
[22:06] Him: sheash girl were fine were good I think were good at least
[22:07] Me: but no future
[22:07] Him: .........I dont see me getting rid of you dear
[22:08] Me: but i dont see you saying you wont either. you avoid it. you could say i do now. unless you still don't
[22:09] Him: honey i like you god i wish that was enough!
[22:10] Me: i love you and i want to be enough.
[22:11] Him: okay so whats the problem?
[22:11] Me: forget it i dont want to argue
[22:12] Him: *sighs* I just want yah to be happy dear
[22:13] Me: im confused i know you like me but i dont see why someone would want to be with somone they dont see a future with it bothers me
[22:14] Him: cause I try to enjoy the moment cause you know what...I've been in serrious relationships and they end abruptly SO I cant help it if I dont exactly jump right in life for a future right off the bat
[22:15] Me: im not them you cant expect me to be like them
[22:15] Him: okay than
[22:16] Me: so why are you
[22:16] Him: why are i what?
[22:16] Me: expecting us to be like that
[22:17] Me: ending abruptly
[22:17] Him: hmmmm if i push a button and a red light comes on every time i think all buttons gonna turn on a red light get it?
[22:17] Me: youve pushed all of my buttons im in love with you! so whats the problem
[22:19] Him: ha your crazy thats what
[22:19] Me: w.e
[22:20] Him: i have no clue with you drive me crazy lol
[22:20] Me: im honest i just dont want to be hurt ive thrown everything on the table with you and still nothing im 100% real with you
[22:22] Him: what the hell i cant say i love you and not mean it...thats wrong what left on the table is there?! I'm here I'm trying
[22:23] Me: i didnt ask you to say i love you but you didnt tell me that you can see a future
[22:23] Him: we have got to quit getting into this convo week in and week out
[22:23] Me: it never is resolved you never answered it can you or not?
[22:24] Him: yes god if it wasnt noticable
[22:24] Me: i wanted you to say it
[22:25] Him: ugh cant just roll with things
[22:25] Me: sorry if it bothers me
[22:25] Him: you make me grind my teeth you pain in the ass :p but your my pain in the ass
[22:25] Me: your like pulling teeth
[22:26] Him: *middle finger*
[22:26] Me: love you too
[22:27] Him: haha
[22:27] Me: seems like you do so if you dont say it i feel it so yea

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I love the way you Lie.

I wish you would just like to me instead of leading me on like this to be honest its driving me crazy.




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Friday, July 2, 2010

Somethings should be a secret...I'm not one of them.

I told you that I love you but it doesn't seem to change anything. I have not seen you tell anyone that I'm your girlfriend and I'm not going to tell your friend on Facebook if your not willing too, I don't think its my place.

We had a great day tonight, two months and going strong. But how strong is strong if no one knows we are still together?

Is it worth it?

Idk anymore.


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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Say What?

I am not understanding where I am standing.
The other day, well ,more like the night before last so Friday night I'm with my boyfriend amazing night of hotness/romance (it was perfect). I told him that I loved him first time to his face...didn't end too well lets just say he fell asleep after asking me why I said that then I was up for 3 hours staring to the window wondering why I was even there. Completely resisting the urge to go in the bathroom borrow his razor and "cry".
I couldn't
Though I wanted to don't get me wrong I wanted to I wanted to put my pain into action. But I just couldn't all I could do was sit on the floor next to his bed and let a single tear fall.
What's funny about all this is that he didn't even know what was wrong or that anything was wrong.
Next morning it was like nothing ever happened. I was fine and I was happy but that was all a lie. I wish I could tell him what I am saying here.


Ugh I love him. Fuck every other guy that I wrote about on here I didn't understand what I was feeling but right now I know for the first real time in my life I want to spend the rest of my life with him. fgkoaeshjkghskop I dislike this so much.

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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Radical Steps

Things are/aren't going as planned. I have been with Ashton for almost a month now, and it's going good I mean besides the point where I am telling him that I care about him a lot and I get the response "Uh Huh". I don't understand that very much. I mean wouldn't you like a something more then two words and possibly an explanation or something? But, besides that he's again amazing and I do like I said before care about him deeply. Things that aren't going as I thought would be school. I had been sick for about a week and had to miss school. The bad part besides being sick is that this week is finals and next week is graduation. Well the bad part might also be that my ovaries are bad and I have to have surgery to have them removed. I would like to have the option of having kids some day but right now I am in the dark.

Back to graduation. I'm sure that I will pass. Okay secret time. I have not been as honest with Ashton as I should. Being that he believes that I graduated high school in 09'. Truth as you know being that I graduate next week. I have done well at covering it up until now and my sickness has also been a good cover up being that I'm home sick and not in class. Friday I am suppose to be spending the night with him. I believe that I have bacterial vaginosis again, which is basically like a yeast infection so I'm on antibiotics which will give me a yeast infection so I just took a pill for that as well. My problem is that I am sleeping over at Ashton's on Friday and in doing so you know what is going to happen, we are going to have lots of sex and I'd rather not have disgusting discharge during that.

It's just complicated nothing with me is simple the only thing that I have to go for me is my relationship and work and college in the fall.


But confession time: I am falling for him and I doubt that the feeling is mutual.

Love Pictures, Images and Photos



WOW, my blogs are horribly love related and I don't even try to steer in that direction.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Dating an Older Man

SO the guy I am dating now we have only been on 2 dates but tonight I am spending the night with him, no we aren't having sex, at least we didn't plan on it which is good. He's a gentleman and I think I can grow to care about him on a deeper level. I feel that in these past few weeks I had a wake up call. I'm not looking for a relationship. Not saying I don't want one, but I'm not looking. So anyways back to this guy, he's 23 that's 5 years older then me and he's amazing.
holding your hand Pictures, Images and Photos

Rules to dating an older guy that I have picked up asking around:

1. Take it Slow: because the slower you go you have more to learn from each other and if you go to fast you seem easy as well as there is no mystery left.
2. Don't Label it: He's not your boyfriend until he says hes your boyfriend dating and being in a committed relationship are two completely different things. Difference is with dating he can disappear and he doesn't have to call but in a relationship there is a lot of emotion involved, most other guys don't jump into relationships
3 Make Him Want You: This means mentally, emotionally, physically. Giving it up to quickly can make him know he already had you. Dress like its a first date all the time but don't over do it, no flashy makeup be real no one likes a plastic.
4. Don't use the L-Word: Not at all don't use it until he uses it first not even when saying I love hanging out with you. Your in love when you have only been dating for a little while.
5. He already Knows what he Wants: If it doesn't work out remember he has had a lot of experience and has dated longer thus he knows what he wants don't be offended if you aren't what he wants just keep looking.
6. DON'T be Clingy: Clinginess is considered immature and childish. Calling or texting him every five minutes is ridiculous and suffocating. Your not in a relationship yet so there's no need to know what he's doing every five seconds. If you are in a committed relationship give him space like you need your girl time guys need their guy time, plus if you see or talk to someone every day things can get boring.

Friday, April 30, 2010

More News

Like I said Patrick and I are offically a couple to bad that I haven't talked to him since then its been days bassically over a week, if you think about it. He's suppose to be back home and we haven't seen eachother, so I broke it off. It's better this way for the both of us plus this time I met someone else and he's amazing.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

So Today...

"In the words of a broken heart It´s just emotion that's taking me over, Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song, But if you don´t come back, Come home to me darling, You'll know there´s nobody Left in this world to hold me tight, There´s nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight,
I talked to him again. This time I feel more disappointed then I have ever felt."- Bee Gees

broken heart Pictures, Images and Photos


Right now I am so lost so confused so frustrated so disappointed so hurt that I can't do anything.
This is something that I don't think I can take anymore.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hello, I love you.

Hello, I've just got to let you know 'Cause I wonder where you are And I wonder what you do Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you? Tell me how to win your heart For I haven't got a clue But let me start by saying, I love you ... - Lionel Rickie


Photobucket


I can't believe I'm doing this all over again. I'm letting this happen all over again. Maybe I should explain all that happened.
Patrick whom I explained in prior posts he is someone I care about dearly and want to be with more than anything. I know it sounds like I am in love with every guy I'm with and that is not true...well it is sometimes I love them differently. In Patrick's case everything gets in the way and he wants me to wait for him. He told me to wait , I was heart broken again so I wrote him an email:




Hold your head high heavy heart.So take a chance and make it big,Cause it's the last you'll ever get.If we don't take it, when will we make it?I make plans to break plans,And I've been planning something big.- The Academy Is...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Second Update

There really isn't much to say today besides that this is the closest thing I have to talking. Other then that I have really not much to do. Except sit here and write on this blog and wait until the bell rings because there is FAIR testing and because I already passed the stupid FCAT I don't need to do it. But I was just informed that I wasted $95 on Grad Nite and the only real friend that I had going with me doesn't want to go anymore though he already payed oh the irony.

Day of Silence

April 16th is the Day of Silence.
Today, I am silent.
Pleas understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participationg in the Day of Silence, a national youth movement protesting the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence, which is caused by harrasment, prejudice, and discrimination. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward fighting these injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today.

What are you going to do to end the silence.
Day of Silence Pictures, Images and Photos

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I have a Plan!!!

I'm going to be what he needs now.
and what he wants later

Here's My Conclusion

When you love someone, you don't want to hurt them, even if they deserve to be hurt. When you love someone, you want to hurt them, even when they don't deserve to be hurt.

Friday, April 9, 2010

:( (hurt heartbroken lost)

First time, in a long time.
I'm crying for someone who doesn't EVER want to be with me.
How stupid is that.
How stupid am I?
Don't answer that.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Further More

I'm frustrated with the way life is going right now. I can't explain how ready I am to get out of this hell hole of a school. Whats going on is that I have nothing to do besides bullshit my way through the last two months of school (8 more Mondays) and its like everything is as exciting as I thought it would be. But again thinking has gotten me into trouble.

I'm trying my hardest to get along with my step dad but I'm at the point where I'm done trying i.e today I missed the bus for school mind you that was my fault but the entire time he kept ranting and raving about how I should have gotten up on time. Though this was the first time ever in my high school career that I had ever missed the morning bus for the matter of fact any bus and he kept going on and on about me missing it. Bullshit I know. Okay so we pull up to school and he says your welcome without even giving me the chance to say thank you. So I'm done with him and his stupidity.

On another note I have been quoting The Princess Bride
so here's one of my favorites: "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." - Man in Black

Monday, March 29, 2010

Update ...

So things haven't necessarily been going the way I planned.
Matt is cheating, again.
I am depressed again.
Over all I'm ready to get my ass out of here.
UCF rejected me
Bright Futures denied me
I HATE MY STEP FATHER
I have a second job at Forever 21
and my first job Miracle Eyebrows is pissed (but at $6 an hour you would peace too)
I'm ready to move out of this house and start focusing on my world and my life because i cant dp shit here.

Yet still I am finding time to rant on this fucking blog that no one gives a shit about to people that don't give a fuck.

plus I'm watching the Lady Gaga shit on fuse that is bugging the hell out of me

FMFL.
<3

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Oober !

Excited in no way describes how I am feeling right now Matt is coming home!!!! and he will be here tomorrow I really can't wait to se him and hold him and kiss him everything s going to be perfect that or its all going to fall apart (knock on wood) I shouldn't think that way I'm so excited, extatic, ready. My love is coming home. I have alot of planning to do
On a side note why do I write all my blogs at either 8am or 8pm sometime

Monday, March 8, 2010

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm 18 and I'm ready to take on the world

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Quote

"We often confuse what we wish for with what is." - Valentine (Mirror Mask)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Intersting World

Things are very interesting in my world, I mean this world is your world too... I'm just talking about my life. I have no idea what I should be doing who I should be doing. Remember a few posts back when I was talking about the guy that likes my co-worker is ringing in my head. I say a little more of him yesterday then I ever wanted to and now I want him. Don't get me wrong I love Matt and all but understand that Matt again is hundreds of miles away in SC and as the store goes "something came up" and he will not be here until the end of June, in like end of March like we planned. Then again plans always fall through when it comes to Matt. I love him to death but I don't know I guess I'm looking for consistency in my life, and Matt is anything but.
So now I'm in school writing this instead of doing anything economics related ( no wonder I have a C)
Maybe if and when I get in/ go to college things in my life will start falling into place but right now I feel I'm going to combust, implode and then fall into a bazillion pieces and never be seen again.
But as of right now I'm still in one piece

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Singletary/School

So I'm with Matt thank God I haven't told anybody yet because when I explain our history they tell me to never date him again. I don't know what I'm thinking. Well today kind of sucks. I feel really accomplished though I 90% of the homework that I had to do tonight and I feel that I'm just going to copy the rest of it at school. Well besides school work life is good I'm happy I guess we were planning on trying to get Matt her at the end of the month but the way things are going it doesnt look like he will be here til June. So that sucks but things are looking up. UCF says that they haven't gootten my transcripts but my school sayus they sent them. "Now who should I believe" I wan to get out of this hell hole known as SRQ and move to bigger and better thigns but until then I have until May 1st to get my shit together.
We'll see how things play out. I need to get my gpa up really bad if I want those scholoarships guess I'll be pulling tripple time oh well.
My hand hurts ( I write post on paper because I don't have a PC at work but when I'm in school during 3rd and 7th period my posts are put on linme but i rarely have time for that to happen.)

I Wonder

I wonder who actually reads my blog?
I'm sure no one
Oh well

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What is it?

I haven't felt like this before. I mean I've thought I've felt like this but now its all so real. I can't explain it there really is no way to explain it. Everything is just becoming so complicated, not really complicated just out of whack. I don't know how to describe the emotions flowing through my body. I want to say its lust, I want to brand it fear or call it hope. But the truth of the matter is that this feeling is so right and I don't want to let it go. The way I'm feeling right now is nothing like I felt before I feel so weak, I feel so strong. Its just so complicated so confusing. This emotion flowing through my body is something I don't understand @ least not yet.
It's everything its being scared shit less, it's crying at night, its hearing your voice on the phone even though your thousands or maybe just hundreds of miles away. It's everything I could hope for and everything I could ever need, It's like water for my soul. It's never needing anything because I already ave everything. It's screaming, it's shouting, it's my heart on paper. It's a song, a poem. It's fire, it's the stars, it's satisfaction, it's defeat, it's yearning and bleeding, being broken and then reborn. It's the world, it's nothing and then it's everything. It's being open and being closed. It's cold it's warm. It's black, it's a rainbow. It's sour, it's sweet, it's spicy. It's a fairytale, a fantasy. It's tart, it's a sickness, it's health, it's walking on air and hitting the ground hard,
Its falling......
Its falling in love (for real)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Love Life Scandal

If you haven't already figured it out I am one complex individual so lets go through my love life for just a second. I've been in many relationships all amazing well until the end. There are still a few in my vast relationship history that mean a lot to me.
One being Terry, my first real boyfriend, my first real breakup and officially my first real asshole. Broke my heart lead me on. Don't really care but you know how things go with your first love.
Second being Jeff, a retarded goofball with no real direction in life. Not saying that Terry had any but at least he has a job.
Third is Patrick, stablest guy of all. Our relationship was sexual and fun but one problem, I was the other woman. I know stupid, but I fell in love with him. He is in college now the one I pray that I get into to, not because of him necessarily but because I love that school.
Then Forth we had Matthew, now he is complicate broke up with me four times and yet I still love him. I'll explain more in just a bit.
Most recent boyfriend that falls on my list is Elliott. The only reason he is on here is because I ha vent talked to him in days so I'm assuming we are over maybe never really were.
Now lets get back to Matthew throughout our "relationship" we didn't see each other at all throughout our entire relationship. Here's our history.
I never shared my feelings with him when he was in high school with me ( being because he had a girlfriend and I didn't see him breaking up with here). When I finally did tell him he was in basic training. ( yea hes a military guy but nothing like that stupid movie Dear John). When we started talking again he just started basics and also just gotten out of a relationship. I never really figured anything would happen but as time went on I fell in like . We decided to try to make the long distance thing work but as fate would have it he still had feelings for his ex. So, we broke up I was hurt but not heartbroken. We weren't dating that long so its wasn't like we were really together.
Some time went by about a month and I'm still in touch with him I mean we're friends and he told me that they broke up and that he want to give us another go round.
So we did.
Then I don't know what happened but i found out that he wanted someone else and we broke up again And that really hurt because at this time when had been dating for a while and I was starting to fall in love with him. But, even though this happened I still talked to him I guess I couldn't let go.
Needless to say they broke up and he wanted me back or rather I wanted him back. So we dated again.
Then again he left me this time from someone I know and guess what she already had a boyfriend I told him this and he didn't believe me. It took me talking to her to finally get her to tell him that she has a boyfriend. She made the choice to leave Matt.
I'm guessing you already knew what happened I took him back.
We dated I was so happy and so much in love that I couldn't contain myself I started making plays for a future with him
Then...he brakes up with me. There i said i was son and he could do what ever the hell he wanted I didn't fucking care anymore. I cried for a week I didn't leave my room barely ate. I was broken. I heard threw the grape vine that they broke up. I don't know what really happened. Then about three months later I get a message asking me how I was doing.
It was from him.
Now I'm stuck because he says he loves me and only wants me and I know I don't want anyone but him but am I really ready to put myself in this spot again. I care so much about him . I will marry him if he asks but I don't know if he's changed like he says he has or if another another girl walks by if he'll leave me again.
So its been about two years since Matt and my on and off dating.
Now I'm at a crossroads.
I know I love him and want a life with him
But I want a like not an on and off dream.
I don't know I want to believe him
I just don't know how.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Sexual Frustration

6:03 pm
Just sitting at work.
No motivation what so ever.
I have a boyfriend that is true,
But a girl can lust can't she?
He's cute, really fucking cute. Only one problem (besides me being already taken) He has a girlfriend yet he "says" he wants to leave her. He comes problem number two, he lives with her; understand this he can't just up and heave her cause that leaves him with no place to go.
Too bad I don't have my own place (and if I was single) So now I'm stuck in this predicament. Lusting after a guy I can't have and being ignored by a guy I do.
Well I guess there really isn't a problem besides sitting at work really horny, but then again, all those problems can be solved with one text, a trip to the bathroom. Yet, there's a catch I have no willing participants, at least not one I like.
Don't get me wrong i like my boyfriend I guess I'm just not satisfied and I know I should just talk to him...blah..blah..blah but how do you tell your boyfriend that you sexually unsatisfied?... You just don't you go to your nearest erotic store and buy a vibrator.
So its now 6:18pm and i am still horny with not a care in the world. Well besides getting laid. So i guess I'm just out of luck. Horny, unsatisfied and now depressed. Tonight I was suppose to be with my boyfriend having fun and making love (no matter how bad it is.
But now it seems I'm going to be playing third wheel with my co-worker and her boyfriend. Even more depressing.
Turning 18 soon about a week til awesomeness. How am I going to spend it? I don't fucking know. Hoping to get laid.
I realise that I have sex on my brain and fucking a lot but really who can blame me. I'm thinking about calling up the taken guy. I know I should be calling my boyfriend but he is sick at the moment (the reason we aren't hanging out tonight)
But now here's the climax, my taken lust god has a thing for my co-worker (who if you forgot has a boyfriend) lol.
Oh well I guess it's karma or fate or over all not meant to be.
(damn it it took forever to write this too many customers @ work)
- 8:12 pm forty-eight more minutes til I get off.

Riddle me this...

So I spend so much time creating something out of nothing,

I'm not angry just upset.

I really have no reason to be angry besides the fact that I HATE you.



things I hate about you

#1- You blame the world for your problems; accountability is not in your vocabulary.

#2- You have no job, $700 a month from unemployment doesn't pay the bills

#3- Your fat (not that I have problems with overweight people, but tell me this how can a person get gastric bi pas surgery to shrink your stomach to the size of an egg and still somehow manage to gorge themselves to the point that they stretch their stomach back to regular size?)

#4- You complain ( don't get me wrong I complain about things too but you don't see me complaining about EVERY FUCKING THING.)

#5- You say I'm the reason your marriage is failing. WRONG. The reason your marriage is failing is because you don't do shit to stop it from failing. All you do is sit on the computer and waist time playing video games instead of getting off your lazy ass and getting a job. I'm 17 i have a job a car (that I make payments on) and I'm still in fucking high school. What is your excuse? That's right you don't have one. There is no excuse for this none what so ever. You go to church to get the pastor on your side but everyone can see right threw you.


I hate you. I never did like you. You are not worth my time.
Glad I got this off my chest.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Recap

HE: Then
HIM: Now



1. He broke my heart
2. He says I'm warped
3. He's an addict
4. He SAYS I'm WARPED
5. Still says he loves me
6. Thinks I'm obsessed
5. He got fired from work
4. He fucking called me WARPED?
3. I think I still love him
2. I want him to change
1. AM I WARPED?


So I have someone that makes me happy
He makes things go back to the basics
No games no complications

But I miss the challange, I miss the pain
AM I really that WARPED?

I get it I'm broken
I get I need...affection and attention and love
He is giving that to me
But I need...pain heartache, drama, and decet
He gave that to me

Stuck in a cross road between
Something I can get and something
I will never recieve.