Monday, March 29, 2010

Update ...

So things haven't necessarily been going the way I planned.
Matt is cheating, again.
I am depressed again.
Over all I'm ready to get my ass out of here.
UCF rejected me
Bright Futures denied me
I have a second job at Forever 21
and my first job Miracle Eyebrows is pissed (but at $6 an hour you would peace too)
I'm ready to move out of this house and start focusing on my world and my life because i cant dp shit here.

Yet still I am finding time to rant on this fucking blog that no one gives a shit about to people that don't give a fuck.

plus I'm watching the Lady Gaga shit on fuse that is bugging the hell out of me


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Oober !

Excited in no way describes how I am feeling right now Matt is coming home!!!! and he will be here tomorrow I really can't wait to se him and hold him and kiss him everything s going to be perfect that or its all going to fall apart (knock on wood) I shouldn't think that way I'm so excited, extatic, ready. My love is coming home. I have alot of planning to do
On a side note why do I write all my blogs at either 8am or 8pm sometime

Monday, March 8, 2010

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm 18 and I'm ready to take on the world

Sunday, March 7, 2010


"We often confuse what we wish for with what is." - Valentine (Mirror Mask)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Intersting World

Things are very interesting in my world, I mean this world is your world too... I'm just talking about my life. I have no idea what I should be doing who I should be doing. Remember a few posts back when I was talking about the guy that likes my co-worker is ringing in my head. I say a little more of him yesterday then I ever wanted to and now I want him. Don't get me wrong I love Matt and all but understand that Matt again is hundreds of miles away in SC and as the store goes "something came up" and he will not be here until the end of June, in like end of March like we planned. Then again plans always fall through when it comes to Matt. I love him to death but I don't know I guess I'm looking for consistency in my life, and Matt is anything but.
So now I'm in school writing this instead of doing anything economics related ( no wonder I have a C)
Maybe if and when I get in/ go to college things in my life will start falling into place but right now I feel I'm going to combust, implode and then fall into a bazillion pieces and never be seen again.
But as of right now I'm still in one piece

Thursday, March 4, 2010


So I'm with Matt thank God I haven't told anybody yet because when I explain our history they tell me to never date him again. I don't know what I'm thinking. Well today kind of sucks. I feel really accomplished though I 90% of the homework that I had to do tonight and I feel that I'm just going to copy the rest of it at school. Well besides school work life is good I'm happy I guess we were planning on trying to get Matt her at the end of the month but the way things are going it doesnt look like he will be here til June. So that sucks but things are looking up. UCF says that they haven't gootten my transcripts but my school sayus they sent them. "Now who should I believe" I wan to get out of this hell hole known as SRQ and move to bigger and better thigns but until then I have until May 1st to get my shit together.
We'll see how things play out. I need to get my gpa up really bad if I want those scholoarships guess I'll be pulling tripple time oh well.
My hand hurts ( I write post on paper because I don't have a PC at work but when I'm in school during 3rd and 7th period my posts are put on linme but i rarely have time for that to happen.)

I Wonder

I wonder who actually reads my blog?
I'm sure no one
Oh well

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What is it?

I haven't felt like this before. I mean I've thought I've felt like this but now its all so real. I can't explain it there really is no way to explain it. Everything is just becoming so complicated, not really complicated just out of whack. I don't know how to describe the emotions flowing through my body. I want to say its lust, I want to brand it fear or call it hope. But the truth of the matter is that this feeling is so right and I don't want to let it go. The way I'm feeling right now is nothing like I felt before I feel so weak, I feel so strong. Its just so complicated so confusing. This emotion flowing through my body is something I don't understand @ least not yet.
It's everything its being scared shit less, it's crying at night, its hearing your voice on the phone even though your thousands or maybe just hundreds of miles away. It's everything I could hope for and everything I could ever need, It's like water for my soul. It's never needing anything because I already ave everything. It's screaming, it's shouting, it's my heart on paper. It's a song, a poem. It's fire, it's the stars, it's satisfaction, it's defeat, it's yearning and bleeding, being broken and then reborn. It's the world, it's nothing and then it's everything. It's being open and being closed. It's cold it's warm. It's black, it's a rainbow. It's sour, it's sweet, it's spicy. It's a fairytale, a fantasy. It's tart, it's a sickness, it's health, it's walking on air and hitting the ground hard,
Its falling......
Its falling in love (for real)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Love Life Scandal

If you haven't already figured it out I am one complex individual so lets go through my love life for just a second. I've been in many relationships all amazing well until the end. There are still a few in my vast relationship history that mean a lot to me.
One being Terry, my first real boyfriend, my first real breakup and officially my first real asshole. Broke my heart lead me on. Don't really care but you know how things go with your first love.
Second being Jeff, a retarded goofball with no real direction in life. Not saying that Terry had any but at least he has a job.
Third is Patrick, stablest guy of all. Our relationship was sexual and fun but one problem, I was the other woman. I know stupid, but I fell in love with him. He is in college now the one I pray that I get into to, not because of him necessarily but because I love that school.
Then Forth we had Matthew, now he is complicate broke up with me four times and yet I still love him. I'll explain more in just a bit.
Most recent boyfriend that falls on my list is Elliott. The only reason he is on here is because I ha vent talked to him in days so I'm assuming we are over maybe never really were.
Now lets get back to Matthew throughout our "relationship" we didn't see each other at all throughout our entire relationship. Here's our history.
I never shared my feelings with him when he was in high school with me ( being because he had a girlfriend and I didn't see him breaking up with here). When I finally did tell him he was in basic training. ( yea hes a military guy but nothing like that stupid movie Dear John). When we started talking again he just started basics and also just gotten out of a relationship. I never really figured anything would happen but as time went on I fell in like . We decided to try to make the long distance thing work but as fate would have it he still had feelings for his ex. So, we broke up I was hurt but not heartbroken. We weren't dating that long so its wasn't like we were really together.
Some time went by about a month and I'm still in touch with him I mean we're friends and he told me that they broke up and that he want to give us another go round.
So we did.
Then I don't know what happened but i found out that he wanted someone else and we broke up again And that really hurt because at this time when had been dating for a while and I was starting to fall in love with him. But, even though this happened I still talked to him I guess I couldn't let go.
Needless to say they broke up and he wanted me back or rather I wanted him back. So we dated again.
Then again he left me this time from someone I know and guess what she already had a boyfriend I told him this and he didn't believe me. It took me talking to her to finally get her to tell him that she has a boyfriend. She made the choice to leave Matt.
I'm guessing you already knew what happened I took him back.
We dated I was so happy and so much in love that I couldn't contain myself I started making plays for a future with him
Then...he brakes up with me. There i said i was son and he could do what ever the hell he wanted I didn't fucking care anymore. I cried for a week I didn't leave my room barely ate. I was broken. I heard threw the grape vine that they broke up. I don't know what really happened. Then about three months later I get a message asking me how I was doing.
It was from him.
Now I'm stuck because he says he loves me and only wants me and I know I don't want anyone but him but am I really ready to put myself in this spot again. I care so much about him . I will marry him if he asks but I don't know if he's changed like he says he has or if another another girl walks by if he'll leave me again.
So its been about two years since Matt and my on and off dating.
Now I'm at a crossroads.
I know I love him and want a life with him
But I want a like not an on and off dream.
I don't know I want to believe him
I just don't know how.