Sunday, November 28, 2010

I have decided

To get a gym membership at this place called you fit starting when I get paid next. My work out routine won't be in full swing until I heal after my operation but I'm still going to try to work out as much as possible during recovery so that after it won't be a huge hit. I have started drinking just diet soda and water which I think overall is pretty good. My eating habits have not been the best considering thanksgiving was this week. But I plan to get back into full swing soon. My boyfriends car was stolen on black Friday so I have been staying with him these past nights and probably most of next week until he can figure out what he's going to do for transportation. I don't entirely know how my mom feels about me staying there so much but due to the circumstances it won't be for that long I hope. He is putting gas in my car which is good considering I went through a tank in about 3 days and that tank would usually last me about a week and a half, so that in itself says a lot. I have to really be careful about how much I eat or rather don't eat around him. He asks a lot of questions. Purging is kind of out of the question right now considering his bathroom is right next to his bedroom and there are pretty thin walls. He doesn't even know I still smoke so I need a cig bad right now. I can't wait for tomorrow because I have school and he works from 8-8 so I can get back to my original routine at least for the rest of the day. Friday is my surgery. I'm not scared or anything but I don't know what we are going to do about my boyfriends car situation. I think my mom would flip shit if I lent it to him.
I guess this is something that we have to figure out.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I realize now

That I'm not as strong as I thought

Monday, November 15, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Another weekend day at work...

It is Sunday and another 10-7 shift at the front desk here at work. And as usual I am watching Desperate Housewives. I jumped on that band wagon a little late so I started with season one and I am currently on season two.
Last night I had quite a shocker when my boyfriend told me that if his family doesn't approve of my race (hes white and I'm black) that he would dump me. I know it was a complete shocker to me considering that we have been dating for 7 months minus the 3 week break in September/October. This morning when I came into work I sent him a text and asked so that I could be certian of what his plans were if in deed his family didn't approve. My assumtion is that he grew a back bone because he told me that he would not break up with me. Thank God.
I have been writing a lot lately I guess its because really right now this is my only outlet. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about whats going on in my head and my heart. And right now I need someone I can talk to. Even if no one is listening.
These last couple days have been pretty heavy in terms on my self image. I don't feel beautiful at all, and yet my motivation to get up and do something about it is nonexistant. I hear the voice inside my head that says don't eat that it will make you fat and yet i do it anyways. I eat and eat and eat til I feel so disgusted with myself that me and the toilet become great friends. I sit in bed and think I should be running, lifting weights, doing cruntches or something to be thinner and I'm not I'm just not. I sit and do nothing. And doing nothing isn't something I can do. I'm failing in school I haven't gone to my ENC110 (Written Comp.) class in about 2 weeks. God knows how many papers I've missed I know of at least four already.
I'm failing at everything right now. And feeling this way sucks so bad.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
Will someone please help me?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Today is not a good day

I'm binge eating like crazy and I can't stop and then I can't figure out why. I am so pissed at myself, burgers, rice krispy treats, and a bunch of pop and not to mention the fucking steak egg and cheese bagel in the morning I really want to puke and this is disgusting. I am disgusting :(

Friday, November 12, 2010

Its funny, I just realized that today is Friday

I'm sitting at work and lets just say sitting here with two cans of regular pop was not the plan. Across from me on the pin up board on my desk is the schedule and what I forgot is that I am off tomorrow, which means its the perfect day for a work out binge.
I'm not entirely sure how long I'm going to work out but any working out is a lot more then I do now. My friend Daniel told me that he's going to teach me how to swim tomorrow as well. That should be embarrassing enough, plus me in a swim suit, ha.
I've been thinking more and more lately about what many different thinks. What's on my mind right now is that I need to purge, badly. But being at work and that fact that I work in a nursing home doesn't make it as easy. I guess I'll have to wait til I get home and that's in a little while plus a good round of laxatives should do the trick. I'm going out with Daniel tonight, that should be fun. Yes I know I have a boyfriend but he has a girlfriend as well. We are just friends though sometimes the sexual tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I'm planning on wearing makeup tonight and that's something I haven't done in a long time so lets see how that goes. He's picking me up at 9 tonight and I believe he said something about seeing a movie. Shit I just realized again that its Friday, everyone I know will see me downtown with him. This could end very badly.
I hate gossip but it seems that I am a part of it no matter how hard I try, I assume its just a part of my life.
Work is rather dull tonight. I brought a magazine and homework. The magazine makes me feel fat and the homework makes me feel stupid. I can't win tonight can I?

ugh

Drinking my calories
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Thinpo time...I need the inspiration

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I haven't told you guys this but.

I have endometriosis, and i have to take the depo shot as a method of controlling it what sucks is its making me gain weight and if i don't take it I am in extreme pain.

I went to the doctor on Friday and he wants me to have surgery and fix this problem and make me feel better. I dont know what I should do. Ive never had an operation before so to be honest I'm kind of scared, I talked to my mom and boyfriend about it and they are telling me to go for it, but I just dont know.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Maybe there's

a shark in the water.

I'm so loopy right now, I ate too much I need to purge.



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Some Shit

I just received a message from an ex boyfriend via facebook. I honestly thought he was dead I missed him so I loved him too which is strange all in itself. Maybe something good can come of this. Maybe he just needed to get clean before we could really be together (yes he did some pretty hardcore drugs). This could be what I have been waiting for.

But on another note I went to the hospital on friday, ENDOMETRIOSIS strikes again. Intense pain and now stronger pain meds. I know I haven't told you but I thought I was pregnant (just so you know, I'm not.) and things are back on track I am doing the paper route with my parents its a way to lose weight lots and lots and lots of stairs which is cool and I already dropped a pound whoop.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I just figured out,

That starting a weight loss adventure the day after Halloween was a bad idea. So may temptations its ridiculous. But I am pushing myself. I have to be perfect. I have to lose weight. Today a co-worker asked me if I wanted a bag of chips I told her I was dieting she said the first three letters in diet is DIE, but hey perfection has its price.

My life which I thought was under control is really spiraling. I am still alone which when going into being single again I thought would be amazing but I realized I hate being alone, and doesn't everybody. What my main problem is is that I am currently sleeping with my ex, but he's made it pretty clear that he wants to keep it this way and though I want more I am. So write now I guess you could say that I am wanting a serious relationship with my ex. But to be honest I assume I want one with someone else as well. And I know that's wrong but that's my choice right?
This is my life and I'm in control of it.