Friday, September 2, 2011


I'll start posting more when I find a job right now that's more important then how I'm feeling today...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Scared

The building that I work at is closing which means I'm going to lose my job within the next two weeks.
Just got an apartment not too long ago and I don't even know if I can pay the rent.
Moms on my case about everything I don't even want to call her back.

And this weight loss shit aint working.

Honestly I don't even know what I'm fighting for...what I'm living for anymore.

And that scares me

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I'm Back And I'm Starting Over.

I know that it has been months since my last post (4 months to be exact). And I apologize to all my followers for that.
Things have been crazy with work, I was also taking summer classes and that didn't turn out too good.

Just a little recap:
I am still dating Ashton, we are going great 1 year and 3 months now, and we are planning to go up north to visit his family in December. I am still living with him, and yes we are still renting a room from a crazy lush drunk landlady. We plan on moving in January to an apartment closer to where we both work.

I know what your really wondering is how my weight is doing, well I really don't have good news. At the moment I weigh about 174lbs, and I am a size 13/14 pants and Large-XLarge shirts. I know that's like a 40lb jump.

I stopped caring about how I looked for a while. Then the other day I was going to Publix with one of my male co-workers and I weighed one pound less then him, I'm 19 and hes a 30yr old man. It was extremely embarrassing.

I plan to get back on track and get down to a size 6 by Christmas when I go up to meet Ashton's family.

I don't think I will focus on cal intake as much this time around we will see as time progresses how I'm doing and if the results come as quickly as I would like them to.

So here's the plan and if I decide to tweak anything I will be sure to update you on everything, I plan on posting at least once a week so you keep up to date on how things are going but I only plan on weighing myself every two weeks.

The plan goes as follows:
  • Fruit
  • No Carbonated Beverages
  • Chicken, Turkey, and Fish Only (no beef for now costs too much and currently I'm on a strict budget)
  • No bread or pasta of any kind.

So that's it for now, we shall see how it works out. Depending on how the first two weigh-ins go will determine if I need to cut back portions or anything like that.

Wish Me Luck
And It feels so good to be back

R. LeRose

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Work out plan

Last night was the start of a 12 week work out plan.
Monday: 5k in 52 min and 13 seconds.
Tonight I'm going to push myself and see what I can do.
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Saturday, April 9, 2011

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Another great way to spend my Saturday. At work. Usually I can get by the 9 hours of sitting at a desk by watching Hulu or on Youtube or even playing Neopets( yes I'm 19 and still play neopets.)

I have 4 hours and 45 minutes left in my shift but guess what my poss who normally doesn't bother coming in on weekends just walked through the door.

So there goes that.

Last night I went to bed rather upset. Earlier while watching Supernatural with my boyfriend he was texting this girl that he met at a bar while "hanging out" with his guy friends. That in itself set off a red flag in my head, but he didn't seem to understand. He deleted the contact though which made me feel a little better.

When I asked him how her picture ended up on his phone as well he said that she took his phone and put her picture and number in it herself. What surprised me was that he said that he didn't notice or could tell that she was hitting on him. Right...

She was really pretty and way way skinnier then I am. She was blonde, blue eyed, and basically a picture perfect American girl. Nothing like me. I am a black afro headed brown eyed not thin at all girl.

I am just worried I guess. Maybe he isn't attracted to me anymore or at least not as much as he used to be. I mean our sex life has gone down the drain, I don't even think he wants to touch me anymore, but who could blame him I mean I've gained weight and he can tell.

I can't help but think maybe he would rather be with someone else.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Penny for Your Heart

Sitting at work coming to grips with how unhappy I am with my life and what's happening in it now.

I am broke working way too much.

I feel that my grades in school are slipping. It is my second semester in college and I am already going to have to repeat another class. So there i money and time I don't gave down the drain. Which brings me to my goal for leaving this god awful state of Florida and away from my distant family who just so happens to live 3 minutes away from me, so really they are immediate family. I don't necessarily want to leave my mom and my brother but everyone else here I need to get away from. But at this rate I'm not going anywhere.

My love life has not improved at all, at least in the ways that I want it to. My relationship with my boyfriend is great all except one component. He does not love me, he cares about me but that is all. And I know that it is wrong to pressure someone into loving you, but I really need this right now.

My weight is still as crazy high as ever and its not going down at all. and it frustrates me. My boyfriend doesn't seem to help any, bringing home fried chicken and ice cream.

Also my boyfriend and my living situation right now SUCKS. At the moment because he does not have a car I am staying with him. He is now renting a room in a 60yr old woman's house. It's a nice house don't get me wrong but I cannot come and go as I please considering a lot of my things are there. I can only be there when he is there and that is not convenient considering that he lives 30minutes away from my parents house. That means that from school I'd have to go to my mom's house instead of where my clothes and computer is until he gets off work at 8pm. Which I honestly hate. He is not trying to find us another place, and he says that he wants us to live together but nothing is happening. I am ready to just say fuck it and move away to an apartment by myself or move back home.

I am currently getting more hours at work so I hope things start to look up.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Running til the end..

Yesterday was the FIRST OF THE MONTH.

So with that I have started a new exercise program, well not really a program more like I'm forcing myself to go to the gym. And my boyfriend is going too so that's even better because he's making me go. And watching him lose weight pushes me to want to lose more then him. Competition helps a lot. Plus he is a lot heavier then me hes 260 something and makes me feel small and since he is a guy too he will naturally lose a lot more weight faster then me so that pushes me too.
So last night was the first night we went around 9pm we planned to go at 6am but neither of us heard the alarm clock.

Now I'm just going to stick to the treadmill for now because I heard that that is the quickest way to burn fat. I'm not trying to build muscle so I'm not doing any lifting. Well last night was the first night like I said and I ran a 5k that's 3.10 miles in about 50 minutes I'm going to try to beat that every time I get on so that way I can set goals for myself not only in my weight but also in the gym. I only burned like 250kcal which pissed me off my boyfriend ran the same 5k and burned over 500kcal so I don't know if that has to do with his weight because the program on the treadmill asked us to put in our weight so maybe that's a factor I don't know but I'm hoping to burn more tonight.

So gym every night til I lose this weight.
right now I am 154lb.( I know its disgusting)

I am aiming for 150 by next week Sunday.
its written on my wrist for motivation :)
Wish me luck... and I'll keep you posted!!!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Watch the Pieces Fall.

So as you can see I have started a new diet plan and details are below. I came across this diet on a blogger's tumblr and she had it posted and from comments I heard you could lose a lot. so I'm excited
so far i have lost 3 pounds that's with exercise EVERY day and I'm watching it all fall off.

Other than that today and tomorrow April 1-2 is Light it up blue for autism
so i painted my nails blue.
I think there should be more awareness for this condition and those living with it :)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Copenhagen Diet

The detailed meal plan
Day 1 and 8
Breakfast: 1 cup coffee, 1 sugar cube
Lunch: 2 hard boiled eggs, 100g cooked spinach, 1 tomato
Dinner: 1 large steak, salad with oil and lemon 150g

DAY 2 and 9
Breakfast: 1 cup coffee, 1 sugar cube
Lunch: 1 large steak, salad with oil and lemon 150g
Dinner: 1 slice of ham, 2-3 cups of natural yoghurt

Day 3 and 10
Breakfast: 1 cup of coffee, a sugar cube, a toast with wholemeal bread
Lunch: Cooked spinach, a fresh fruit, a tomato
Dinner: 1 slice of ham, 2 boiled eggs, lettuce with oil and lemon 150g

DAY 4 and 11
Breakfast: 1 cup coffee, 1 sugar cube
Lunch: 150g grated carrot, boiled egg, cottage cheese 100
Dinner: 100g of fruit salad, 2-3 cups of natural yoghurt

DAY 5 and 12
Breakfast: a large carrot with lemon tart
Lunch: big fish skinny
Dinner: 1 steak, lettuce and broccoli 200g

DAY 6 and 13
Breakfast: 1 cup of black coffee, 1 sugar cube
Lunch: 150g cooked chicken, lettuce with oil and lemon 150g
Dinner: 2 boiled eggs, a big carrot

Breakfast: 1 cup of tea without sugar
Lunch: piece of grilled lean meat 150g

Saturday, March 26, 2011

new hair

To lead to the path to a new me
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Friday, March 18, 2011

Off to a good start

I bought a longboard skateboard yestureday and I love it. I skated for about 4 hours yesturday. This morning I weighed myself and I am down to 155 right now so I'm off to a good start.
Im eating a lot less and exercising a lot more so that helps too and it feels good being outside and doing something I enjoy rather than in the gym aggrivated doing something I hate.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

So right now I am lost

I turned 19 this week as you have read in my post a few days ago.

Nothing too much has changed. Spring break is almost over for me and that means I go back to my classes one of which I believe I am failing or barely passing. I scheduled an appointment with my ad visor in hopes of trying to get my grades on the right track, at least that is something I can control.

Speaking of control I have lost it. I have gained 20lbs since I last weighed myself months ago. So now I am at 155lbs I am spiraling out of control right now it is crazy I never dreamed I would gain that much. I haven't been paying attention to what I put in my mouth and living with my boyfriend hasn't made it any easier. There is no time to cook no time to really do anything because of out schedules. Basically by the time we get home it is too late and we are too tired to cook really anything so the options I have are eat fast food or have him look at me like I'm crazy and telling me I have to eat something.

But then in the back of my mind I know he thinks I'm fat I mean we haven't had sex in almost a month and he's mentioned me gaining weight a few times now. The thing is its not noticeable to anyone but him its not like I grew a huge stomach or anything. I don't know its just adding to my stress.

My mom is stressed out too with work and I worry about her so that doesn't help much.
I am just in a rut I guess.

Well today is Sunday and I am at work, I started at 10am and I will not be off until 7pm so that's a good thing at least now I don't have anyone tempting me to eat. I ate breakfast and that was all today.

Hopefully when I get home I can go for a run and go again in the morning.
This is a new week and I'm going to start fresh and put all this bullshit behind me and be perfect.

First work on my weight and school
Lets aim for 120 by July 1st (that's my moms birthday).

I will be posting my achievements and everything at least twice a week to keep me on track :)

So wish me luck!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Its my birthday
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Saturday, February 26, 2011

He wants to get me a gym membership

My boyfriend wants to get me a gym membership for my birthday, he will pay for six months of it. Apparently he does not like the way I look. I am trying I really am. But I cant seem to keep my weight down and this stress is not helping much either.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Weight Watchers

I'm thinking about joining, what do you think?

Last night was...upsetting

Basically what happened was that my boyfriend told me that he couldn't trust me completely because he doesn't trust anyone including his mother 100%. Earlier that day he told me that he thought he loved me but wasn't too sure. After he told me that he couldn't trust me. I knew he didn't love me and I told him that I can't live with someone that doesn't trust or love me. Telling him that hurt me a lot I lied in bed crying and then he kissed me and before I knew it we were having sex.
I'm not sure why we did it but I woke up wondering about it and I am still thinking about it now.
I do love him, I love him more than anything. And we've been together for almost a year now.
It just makes me feel disgusting and worthless. It makes me want to throw up knowing that he doesn't feel the same way about me. At all.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I know that I have been gone a while

I have been working a lot more and trying to get more school work done and spend more time with the boyfriend.
But for a slight update...
family life: has not changed there is still a lot of tension
School: i dropped a class because it made my work load too heavy
Work: they are giving me more hours but i doubt that that will last very long.
Love life: we will be together a year in may, and no i love you yet. not even in the valentines day present. so i believe that that is a lost cause.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

i am tired...

Of everyone expecting me to be perfect. Im not not allowed to be angry im not allowed to be upset. And the minute i stand up for myself my phone gets blown up with calls from my family saying im wrong and that im going to hell cause god doesnt approve. So god approves others hurting me? Their logic makes no sense. Im ready to pack up and move far away from their judgemental hypocritical eyes. They wonder why im never home, this is why because all that happens is they point out something else that is wrong with me. If this is how ots going to be then i dont want to be any where near it. I am so done.
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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

i cant

Function anymore i really just want to curl up into a ball and just cry til the point that all my tears are gone and all that is left is an empty shell of the person i once was.
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Sunday, January 16, 2011

my boyfriend

of over eight months, doesn't love me...

Thursday, January 6, 2011

SO its a new year.

I am starting this year off and right now I am at 145 :( I know I'm huge.
But to get things off right I just got back from the gym I ran 4.5 miles and I plan to go that again and as much as I can til I drop about 30lbs. I am trying to only eat about 1500kcal a day. I am eating six times a day to keep my metabolism boosted.
Wish me luck :)